


Don't Let The Beard Fool You

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Bilbo is confused, Bofur is a little shit, F/M, I forgot Gandalf!, Implied Nori/Fíli, Nori has a dirty mind, Nori you better run, Protective!Kili, Voyeurism, always a girl!Fíli, because Kili will skin you alive, but only in Noris dirty mind, he is not there, will contain some sex in chapter two
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-02-03 09:30:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1739717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Fili is a girl, Bilbo finds out watching her bathe, Nori is a pervert, Kili wants to strangle Nori and Bofur has way too much fun watching.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Let The Beard Fool You

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know how this happened, but it did and I went along. Let's see where it ends.
> 
> One thing you need to know: English is not my native language. If I messed up some words, feel free to tell me.

In his defence, Bilbo really did not know. How could he? He did not have a lot of experience under his belt when it came to the fairer sex, and the bit of knowledge he did posses only counts for hobbit lasses, not for dwarven woman.

So the moment he went a bit into the forest to relieve himself and came face to face with _curves_ , well... How was he supposed to know?! Hobbit lasses did not have beards! Their faces were soft with small noses and red cheeks. And you could clearly see their curves, narrow waist, round hips and plump breasts. Okay, Fili had those too, but they were hidden beneath layers of rough fabric, leather and fur.

Now, Bilbo hides behind a tree, praying to Yavanna in hopes that Fili wont notice him. He is not a voyeur, no. He will silently move back to the campside, pretending he never ever saw a thing. Taking a look around the tree to make sure the dwarven lass is busy, his eyes become the size of saucers. She is bending down, taking off her undergarments. The fabric reveals the smooth expanse of her firm backside.

Blood rushes to his head, coloring the tips of his ears a dark shade of red. No, Fili does not look like a hobbit lass, but woman are woman, and when Fili bends lower to grab a bar of soap, his blood wants to rush somewhere else. He can't see very much. Dark hair covers her, a bit darker than the golden waves on her head. But _it_ is there, slightly pink, and he wonders if Fili is still a virgin.

Oh, what would his mother think of him?! His thoughts are nothing but shameful, his behaviour a far cry from what a respectable gentle hobbit should be. Bilbo makes a hastily, hopefully silent retreat, stumbling back to their camp. He wants to think about his books, his garden, anything that will keep his mind in check. Preferably alone. Luck left him, or so he thinks, because the moment he reaches the small clearing he bumps into Bofur.

"Sorry lad, are ye alright?" asks the toymaker with a grin, which dissapears seconds later when he sees the hobbits flushed face. "Oi, are ye sick? Should I get Oin?" Bilbo just shakes his head. Bofur stares at him for some time. Then his gaze flickers over to the direction Bilbo came from. Brown eyes grow wide, a shit eating grin streches across his face. His laughter is so loud, even their grumpy leader turns his head their way.

"So you got an eyeful, eh?" he says. Where is a deep, dark hole to fall into when you need it? Bilbo only nods. "I...I did not know!" is all that leaves his mouth, voice so high it comes out as a squeak. And Bofur laughs again, because of course no one bothered to tell their burglar about the _princess_. It's not that Bilbo does not like laughing. Laughing is healthy and keeps your spirits up, but being laughed at is just embarassing.

"Don't worry, I wont tell anyone," is all Bofur says, already turning to leave the hobbit to his thoughts. It's a split-second decision. No one can blame him, really, he is just curious. Must be the Took part in him, for the Baggins part wants someone to sew his mouth shut."Do all dwarf woman have a beard?" The toymaker stops in his tracks, turns around and stares at Bilbo. "I-I...oh Yavanna, I'm sorry! I meant no offense! Sometimes I just ask things without thinking them through! Honestly I-" He shuts his mouth, teeth clicking together. Babbling is never good. Bofur stops starring at him, looking up to the sky instead. Some clouds wander across the blue nothing like stray sheep.

Bofurs laughter is even louder than before, deep belly laughs shaking his whole frame. The sound bounces of the trees, around the small clearing, filling the air with it. He does not know if he should be relieved or disturbed, because the other male wont stop laughing and suddenly they are in the spotlight. Eleven pairs of eyes are on them, watching them with mild curiousity or puzzlement. Well, in Kilis case it is not mild curiousity, for he looks like he wants to run over to them and ask about what's going on. It's probably only Thorins stern gaze keeping the young dwarf rooted on his spot.

"Aye, our woman do have beards," Bofur gasps, rubbing his eyes. Mahal, but it was a long time ago he laughed like this. "Their hair is a bit softer than a mans, and woman tend to wear their beards short." A branch cracks behind them and there is Fili, golden hair wet and unbraided, skin still a bit damp. The blush Bilbo had been fighting off comes back with full force. Her leather jerkin is open, her shirt clinging to her small, but round breasts. Seriously, how could he have missed this? She walks over to her brother, passing them on her way. Fili smiles at them, and Bofur has to bite his lower lip, because Bilbo looks ready to faint.

"You're one lucky fella, belive me," he says. The princess sits down beside her brother, comb in her hand. Without any exchange of words Kili takes the comb and starts to brush his sisters golden mane. "Can I ask you one more question?" Bilbo asks after a while, debating if it was worth to be laughed at by the merry dwarf. "Sure," answers the toymaker, already grinning wider.

"With Fili being a princess...does that mean that Kili is the actual heir? Don't get me wrong, we hobbits do not differentiate between what a man can do and what a woman can do, but in the royal lines of men it's always a male heir, never a woman, so...well..." Bilbo trails off, waving around with his hands a bit in a nervous gesture. The toymaker scratches his chin and hums. "Ye know, female dwarfs are very very rare. Even before Erebor was lost there were not many lasses around. It was always a blessing when a female dwarf was born into Durins line. It meant the line would continue, so every female is treated with respect. Lady Dis is an example for that, great fierce woman. Has Thorin wrapped around her little finger!" He laughs again, hand pressed against his mouth to muffle it.

"It's just very rare to have a female firstborn, so we did not have many woman ruling over a dwarven kingdom, but we had some. And Fili will be the next great queen after her uncles regency, I'm sure of that!"

Bilbo is a little bit more sceptical, because you know, the troll incident? That was not very responsible. And both of them didn't even apologize. Imagine these two rascals ruling over a kingdom, hunderds of lifes depending on a wild queen and her reckless brother. Let's be serious, nothing will seperate them, not a troll nor a throne. There is a shout from across the camp and when Bilbo and Bofur turn around they see Kili struggling against his sisters chest. Fili secures her grip around Kilis neck, holding him in a tight headlock. Her brothers nose is practicly buried into her left breast. Bofur pats his shoulder and whispers, "Very lucky, indeed!"


End file.
